How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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