I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
