A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
