dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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