How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
