I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
