if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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