Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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