My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
