Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
