i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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