Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
