just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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