I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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