I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
