I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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