i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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