You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
