I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
