12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
