Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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