Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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