Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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