i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Can I color on your dick again?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
