I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
