i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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