someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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