I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Randomize
