My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
sarcasm needs its own font
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
