Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
