Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He? As in you personified your dick?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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