just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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