Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
