I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
