How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
40s are totally the cure
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
