Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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