Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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