Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
it hurts more in the daytime
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
