dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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