good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
