Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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