She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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