if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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