i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
