I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
