ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
