I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
