mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.