How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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