What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
New York to be Host to Americaâ€™s Biggest Singles Event
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Kylie Jenner Wasnâ€™t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead