So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
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I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence