I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
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I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
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He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.