It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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