i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
