my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
