Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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