I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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