theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
i've created a new STD.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
